Surviving Your Personal Poltergeist
by Tristifico
Summary: Also known as Bringing Up Akaya, which is a tremendous trial for even the best of Rikkai babysitters. Oneshot fic on how to survive the different growing years of Kirihara Akaya.


Disclaimer: No, I don't have the honour of owing them.

A Kirihara-centric thing, because he is so UTTERLY cute and adorable. Just seeing him in the PoT anime (episode 49, I think) is enough to bowl anyone over. And also because quite a significant number of PoT fangirls love him to death. I know I do!

This isn't exactly AU, I suppose. It's just what I think Kirihara's growing years (well, he's technically still in them, but whatever) would be like.

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**Bringing Up Akaya**

**(aka. Surviving Your Personal Poltergeist)**

Before you read on, here's a warning: No one ever said that bringing up a child, _especially_ someone like Kirihara, would be easy.

0-1 Years

1) Be prepared to lose sleep; this baby redefines the meaning of "wailing."

2) Make sure his cot is made of something that's absolutely guaranteed to be unbreakable (this makes getting a refund so much easier).

3) DO NOT get tricked by his sweet little smile, or you'll regret it later in life.

4) Akaya doesn't really like milk, but change any soft parts of his milk bottle often- he somehow goes through them at a really fast rate.

5) He might not have teeth yet, but that doesn't mean that you can put anything small enough to fit into his mouth yet.

6) Once he has teeth, you can start on the solid food; it's better for him to chew on food than on his pillow.

Special Note: If other babies have something that looks a little like conjunctivitis (that's commonly known as pink/red-eye), medical attention is necessary, but since this is little Kirihara, it probably just means his diapers need changing.

1-3 Years

1) Since Akaya can walk now, child-proofing his room is NOT ENOUGH. To be on the safe side, make sure his room looks a little like the ones in maximum security prisons (that means little tables and stools nailed to the floor, nothing breakable, and padding on the walls is highly recommended)

2) Eating will be messy, so you can feed him yourself –watch out for your fingers, though. Or if you want to cultivate a little more independence in the 'lil toddler, make sure that you spread lots of newspapers around his eating area.

3) If you're worried that he doesn't say much as of yet, relax. Put him in something restraining (i.e. child seats) and let him watch the TV, or hold a book far away enough and don't let him touch it. But really, there's not much need for all those; in a few years you'll be wishing that Akaya never learnt to talk at all.

3-6 Years

1) Although he'll probably have lots of experiences with first-aid kits and medicines later on, KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE MEDICINE BOX. Padlocking it is a good idea.

2) This is the age of bruises and falls, so plasters and iodine must be bought in bulk. Actually, since it's Kirihara, you can buy a ten-year contract with the first-aid kit producers. And no, do not keep the little devil in the house. You really don't want to know what will happen.

3) Don't bother with all the cutesy outfits that other boys can be stuffed into at this age- just make sure that you won't mind dirty and torn clothes. If tent canvas can be made into shirts and shorts, you might want to seriously consider that.

4) Better to start him off good habits like studying and reading now, because this particular thing will need to be drilled exceptionally hard into Akaya's head. There's a boy in the neighbourhood a year older than him- the name's Yanagi Renji- Introduce Kirihara to him, QUICK, before he gets to know that Niou Masaharu on the other side.

6-10 Years

1) You see that magazine over there with an article that says, "Use your smile to your best advantage! Get your way with just a grin!" Yes? Well, **BURN IT BEFORE AKAYA COMES HOME**.

2) Everyone probably gets a call from their child's teacher once in a while. Well, keep that in mind, and develop your own selective memory, and the calls from the elementary school teacher won't seem that often.

3) When he sees two people hitting yellow balls over a net, and asks you what it is, reply honestly that it's tennis, sigh, then get him his own mini-racket. It's a good sport, and it'll help him grow, AND it'll mean the end of smashed plates in the house.

Besides, there's nothing else you can do ;)

4) Yakiniku is really nice, and so is sushi, but because Marui Bunta and Kuwahara Jackal (weird new friends, you think, but ah well the bratling's still small) is going with him, make sure you tell Kirihara that he is NOT to pay for them.

5) Despite the nice uncle's fervently kind wish to treat Akaya to a full day at the arcade, be firm and say NO. It's his birthday, and though he looks so cute with huge eyes and a pout, you want to- let him go? Oh, well, your choice.

10-13 Years

1) The age of transition! From Kanagawa Daisan to Rikkai Daigaku Fuzoku is a big jump, and you had better start scrimp Christmas money for Akaya's rackets and shoes and tennis whatnot.

2) Keep your family doctor on speed dial, and listen out for two words: Yukimura and Sanada. The moment Akaya starts talking non-stop about them during dinner, call up the doctor and tell him that business is going to get better for him.

3) Start pasting up signs in English all over the house. Tell him that he's only going to get his Wii if he somehow manages to top the class in that subject (and start searching through his handphone for Yagyuu or Yanagi's phone number)

4) When Kirihara comes back one day and tells you he's going to be buchou of the tennis team next year, you can ruffle his hair and wonder when he grew so tall, and you can smile.

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All right, that's done with chronicling lil!Kirihara's life! Review :) 


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